4 Unhealthy Intimacy Patterns In a Christian Marriage

Unhealthy Intimacy Patterns In a Christian Marriage, hurting true intimacy has been there forever – topics like lust or premarital intimacy have been discussed a lot in Christian teachings. Even though it is slowly no longer a taboo subject, there is still an area of mistakes in marriage that nobody seems to mention.

The thing seems impossible – since you are married, your bedroom life is pure… well, is it? Certain behaviors are not okay, and God does not approve of them.

And I’m not talking about cheating – that’s obvious. There are other, more subtle ways you betray God and your spouse.

Today I’m revealing all taboos. Because things kept in secret have the power to enslave us, but when we bring them to light, we can be set free. So I don’t care how many times I blush writing these words or how many times you will sigh with shock, somebody needs to talk about these things.

So let’s dive into these secret Unhealthy Intimacy Patterns In a Christian Marriage!

What Are Unhealthy Intimacy Patterns In a Christian Marriage?

As the Bible says many times, impure habits is the worst of them all. The reasons behind it are simple – first of all, it touches more than one person. Even if it doesn’t seem like it now, your future spouse will suffer because of what you do “alone”.

Another thing – you offer your body in ways that go against God’s loving design. Every time you commit such a sin, it’s like you disobey and bite the forbidden fruit, when there are plenty of way tastier fruits available for you. You agree to less than God has prepared for you. You allow temptation to distort what God has beautifully created.

The design is simple yet so beautiful – a woman, a man, marriage, exclusivity, Song of Songs, physical, emotional, and spiritual fulfillment. So every time you do something outside of this design, you sin. You exchange the beauty of God’s design for something far less fulfilling.

Sadly, these things happen when you’re married as well. Sins in marriage are more common than we think, and yet – why? – Nobody talks about them.

Let’s go through them all so you can make sure your marriage’s bedroom is the purest it can be.

Sins in Marriage #1 – Withdrawing

Do not refuse intimacy with each other, unless both of you agree to stop for a short time. (1 Cor 7:5)

The Bible is clear about this topic. When intimacy is consistently denied without discussion or agreement, it can cause disconnection and hurt within marriage. Refusing intimacy is one of the sins in marriage. Now, it seems stern and even impossible to never say no, so let’s look deeper at this topic.

I think it is completely okay to say no once in a while. The reasons might vary – a wife has a period, a husband is tired, sickness, grief, etc. This is absolutely normal; we won’t be able to or willing to be intimate all the time. I think it is important, though, to frame it properly. To refuse, not reject. So if you don’t want it tonight, gently say so, and promise tomorrow.

Withdrawing is not healthy, no matter the side that does it. Consistently withdrawing without loving communication can damage intimacy and trust. God created a marriage for two people to be for each other.

Modern culture often sends mixed messages about availability and expectations in marriage. Some modern perspectives may overemphasize independence in a way that overlooks the beauty of mutual giving in marriage. Both spouses have equal responsibility to respond to their partner’s needs. And of course, it takes some practice and balance, if, for example, one spouse’s needs are way more frequent than the other.

Cold “no” after “no” slowly takes away the passion in marriage, step by step. So be careful whenever you need to say it.

#2 Selfish Behaviors

…love does not insist on its own way (1 Cor 13:6)

Intimacy was created for us to give and take. Intimacy should be mutual—both giving and receiving in love. Of course, there are seasons when one spouse takes more than the other, and it’s completely fine. But viewing intimacy as something that is supposed to please only you is just wrong.

Girls, let me have a word with you. Consider if you feel comfortable exploring your spouse’s desires—openness can deepen your connection. If your man wants something that is outside your comfort zone, give it a chance. You are the only person who can satisfy his secret fantasies.

Guys, I know it is not always easy to please a lady. Taking time to learn and respond to your wife’s needs is part of loving her well. Give some effort and get to know her body.

We should be generous and give a lot. God gave us so many possibilities in the bedroom; all you can do is reach for them and bless your spouse.

On the other hand, there is another Unhealthy Intimacy Pattern in a Christian Marriage that almost NOBODY dares to mention. Are you ready for this one?

#3 Not Taking the Gift

Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth (Proverbs 5:18)

I know, I know. Intimacy is hard to figure out, it can be painful sometimes (both emotionally and physically), and after so many mistreatments and traumas that many of us experienced, it is hard to enjoy it.

But the good news is, it can all be conquered. No matter which intimacy issues you struggle with, you can get healed. God wants you to enjoy intimacy, and He can make that happen. Even if it seems impossible at the beginning, you’ll get there.

Withdrawing emotionally or physically without communication can create pain, just like selfishness does. Because hey, if you don’t want to take, then it’s like you refuse to give yourself fully to your spouse. If your spouse sees that you are not enjoying intimacy with them, it can make them feel insecure or hurt.

That’s why it is crucial to talk about intimacy outside of the bedroom, to make things better for the two of you. Like, really. Loving communication about desires helps both partners feel valued.

It might be embarrassing at first, and you might feel too vulnerable, but only bringing your desires to light can cause your spouse to know what you want. They won’t read your mind.

Great intimacy starts simply with talking about it.

#4 Strangers in the Bedroom!

But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart (Mt 5:28)

Not watching certain things or making out with anyone else than your spouse is more than obvious. But how about fantasies or intimacy scenes in movies?

Dwelling on others in a romantic way can damage trust and intimacy. Your body and your thoughts should be faithful to your spouse. There are no such things as “innocent” flirting or “casual” fantasies. If your spouse is not the person you’re flirting with or fantasizing about, you’re allowing comparison and temptation to weaken your bond.

One person’s intimate attention should be enough for you. If it’s not, it’s time to work on your faithfulness.

It happens to all of us to lustfully think of somebody else. Yet you can stop the train before it leaves the station.

Also, the intimacy scenes in the movies… It is controversial, and I know many of you won’t agree with me. Yet I think it is hurting your relationship to watch such scenes. Watching romantic content involving others can interfere with emotional closeness in your marriage. It’s much better to avoid movies that contain them, or, less extreme, to skip them.

Why? What we view can shape our desires, so focusing on your spouse helps build emotional and physical unity. Also, your intimate life that you share with your spouse is unique. Do not let movies tell you how it should look or define what’s “attractive”. Do not sabotage your bedroom from flourishing on its own.

Avoid Immorality and Unhealthy Intimacy Patterns In a Christian Marriage

It is not easy to keep yourself pure and faithful, but this is the only way to please God and also have the best of intimacy. Because the best is what God has designed for us, going astray, even a step, you miss out on the fullness of joy God intended for marital intimacy.

It takes time and effort to build a satisfying relationship in a marriage, yet it is so worth it. You reap what you sow after all.

I am sure that if you avoid the Unhealthy Intimacy Patterns In a Christian Marriage I’ve mentioned above and intentionally work on your intimacy with your spouse, you will discover heaven on earth in no time 😉

I’m cheering and praying for you!