I can’t count how many times I heard people ask: Is two years too long? Is two months too short? Do we need premarital preparation? What do I need to know about them before I say “I do”? These questions are normal, and I am going to help you clear some doubts. The answer to “How long should you date before getting married?” won’t be that blurred anymore.
But hey, remember you don’t have to agree with everything I’m about to write. The comment section is always there for you to share your thoughts and discuss. This blog is like a cozy living room in which you drink a digital tea with your friend Marysia. In fact, let me serve you a cup *giving you a warm cup of Earl Grey, hoping you’re not drinking it with milk because she just ran out of it*
So let’s talk like a friend with a friend, and let me help you out.
How Long Should You Date Before Getting Married, And What Is Crucial?
In fact, the Bible talks about marriage a lot, but there is no such thing as dating mentioned there. So it doesn’t tell us how long should you date before getting married. But of course, you don’t marry a random person who piques your interest. This decision is serious – you’re spending your lifetime with a person. So of course, it is needed to get to know them enough.
Ha, what is enough, you’re asking. You don’t need to know their favorite color or flavour of Milka (the best people like crunchy caramel!;) ), but there are certain things that should or even must be examined. Let me give you a list, and a biscuit with your tea:
Before getting married, you should talk about:
- faith
- family background
- sexual past
- goals and dreams
And how long should this talk take? Let’s go deeper into each of these categories to get closer to the estimated time.
Faith
This one is a must! As the Bible says in 2 Corinthians 6:14-15: Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?
I believe it is much more than “Don’t marry an unbeliever”, but also, examine spiritual maturity and the theology of your date. Minor details don’t matter, but foundational truths do! Salvation, church, fellowship, prayer, values – all have to be discussed. And don’t worry if you’re dating long-distance. Alex and I were writing letters and got to know each other’s faith and beliefs like this.
Of course, your date does not need to be perfect. We all have flaws and often misunderstand the Gospel. But the mindful of any red flags in this area. You want to be absolutely sure your future spouse loves God with their whole heart and wants to follow Him. Because marriage takes three – you, them, and God Himself! So, how long should you date before getting married? Long enough to make sure God is King for the other person too.
Family Background
Ah, that’s an interesting one *taking a sip of her tea*. You marry a person with a package of their family. And no, this family doesn’t need to be normal 😉 I have a few crazy personalities in mine as well (including myself haha). It’s good to get to know your date’s family beforehand to understand them better and to make a good foundation.
Family doesn’t define us, but influences us for sure, so I think it’s important to know a thing or two before you say “I do”. My family absolutely fell in love with Alex! Especially when he asked my mum and my grandpa for my hand in letters written in Polish (he’s made some cute mistakes that added to the charm of this gesture!). But he was aware of the most major things surrounding my family, so to speak, and I was also told about his family.
Of course, it doesn’t mean your date’s family has to be perfect, or Christian. It’s rather for awareness what you’re joining in a sense.
Sexual Past
Well, well, no need to blush, dear reader. Intimacy is a blessing that comes with marriage, but as human beings, we commit a few impure sins. I’m not saying to go into details that might open unnecessary doors, but rather be honest and vulnerable with your future spouse.
They have a right to know if you’re a virgin, what lines were crossed, etc. Marriage is giving yourself, including your body, to your spouse, so these things should not be brought up on a random evening after four years of marriage.
Sure, some things will come up later, as God will be healing you from your past, but the major info should be known to the person you’re considering to marry. It creates trust and vulnerability. And like that, you can start with a clean slate.
Goals and Dreams
No, I don’t mean dreams like going to Paris or getting Messi to sign one’s shirt. I mean the big stuff – like what is your calling from God, how you want to serve, where do you see yourself, etc. These things can be modified, but if God is calling you to go on a mission trip to Bongo Tongo island, and your date openly said they would never go on a mission trip, then well…
Of course, in married life, you both will adjust and mold to each other’s callings, but you should complement each other, not go in opposite directions. Dating is the perfect time to discuss these things. Neglecting this area can create many problems in the future.
Yes, yes, I know I still haven’t answered the question “How long should you date before getting married?”, but I wanted to emphasize which things must be discussed before it. So finally:
How Long Should You Date Before Getting Married?
There is no magical formula there, and every situation is individual. Seek God and follow his leadership. Personally, I’d say 6 months to 2 years is a good bracket. You need some time to get to know the foundations I’ve mentioned above, but you also don’t want to date for ages. If after years you still don’t know if this person is the one, they simply aren’t.
Okay, if you both pursue healing before marriage and you need more time, that’s different. But if you date and date and date till you actually start living like a married couple, not being one, it is concerning.
Dating is a preparation for marriage, not playing around. Use this time not only to get to know your date to determine if you do want to spend the rest of your life with them, but improve yourself as well. I have an article for women on how to become wife material here.
I hope you enjoyed this virtual tea and learnt something new, or got encouraged in what you already knew. As always, feel free to reach out if anything comes up. I respond to every comment and email!