Intimacy is tough, and if you find yourself thinking that you’re not attracted to your husband anymore, you’re not alone. It might feel weird (and a little scary), but these feelings are more common than you’d think. And yes, there’s hope!
Make yourself some coffee (or tea if you’re British) and let’s talk!
The most common reasons for losing attraction
Whether you just entered the marriage or you’re just like me (married 5 years, duh), it can happen that you wake up one day and you’re not attracted to your husband anymore. Scary? It shouldn’t be! Probably one of these happened:
1. Husband stopped taking care of himself
Even though for us, wives, being turned on takes way more than visuals, the husband who is not putting any effort to look decent for you, can be a real turn-off. Of course, he doesn’t need to look like a movie star (don’t worry, I won’t mention my secret celebrity crush – my husband might be reading!). But let’s be honest: eating burgers all the time, wearing the same sweaty shirt, and having donut crumbs in his beard isn’t exactly romantic.
Your husband doesn’t need to be a model, but if he stops caring completely, it can affect attraction in marriage. And before we get mad at him, let’s take a quick look in the mirror too. Are you making a small daily effort? Nothing extreme—just enough to show love and self-respect. Because sometimes, his neglect might just be a response to ours.
Talk to him gently. Try the sandwich method (especially if he loves sandwiches!). Start with a sincere compliment—maybe about his shoulders, his beard, or hey, even his charming toes. Then kindly share that his lack of effort is affecting your attraction. Suggest some small changes. And close with another compliment to make sure he knows it comes from love.
2. Stress
Oh, I know. You’re rolling your eyes. But seriously, when we carry too many responsibilities, we sometimes forget that intimacy even exists. And if you haven’t thought about sex in weeks (or months), it’s no wonder your husband isn’t turning you on right now. I’ve been there! Believe me, my husband is the most handsome man alive (just don’t tell him I said that), but even he couldn’t compete with my overloaded to-do list. They say there’s always room for dessert, but sometimes… You just can’t see it.
Solutions:
- Open communication – Be honest with him. Tell him you’re overwhelmed and delegate what you can. (Pro tip: say something like, “It would be so sexy if you took the trash out from now on.” It works!) If the stress isn’t caused by him, look for small stress-relief rituals: a warm bath, chatting with a friend, petting your dog, or watching Pride and Prejudice again.
- Self-care – look at it this way – the more you invest in yourself, the more you can give. Reserve minimally 30 minutes per day to take yourself for a walk, exercise or even eat a pack of your favorite chips in peace. There is nothing selfish in being selfish in order not to be selfish! Oh my, I just used word selfish so many times. What I’m trying to say is, you need to help yourself in order to help others.
3. Not feeling attractive, therefore you’re not feeling attracted to your husband
What a paradox, ha! You do not feel desirable, so it’s hard for you to desire your husband. Feel confident and show your charm — your husband will notice! Oh yes, that’s when the magic happens.
But if you’re struggling with low self-esteem and feel like a cheap sausage instead of a gourmet piece of lamb… oh my, did I really compare you to meat? Gosh, I’m an awful writer, forgive me! What I was trying to say is that when you do not feel attractive, you most probably won’t find your husband attractive either.
Solutions
- Shopping – go and buy yourself the nicest clothes you can find, that’s a command! Find some colorful clothes to feel stunning in here. You are beautiful, and I want you to embrace it and feel it. Do not wait for a better time because it will not come. You do not have any idea how many special bras I was storing in my closet, waiting for the festive occasion. Let me tell you – this occasion is today.
- decide to feel confident – hahaha, yes, so funny. But is it? Every day we make many choices – will I be productive or lazy, will I go running and be fit, or will I eat a branch of burgers, will I put on a dress, small make-up, and be it girl, honey!
4. Kura domowa syndrome
Quick Polish lesson. “Kura domowa” means house chicken; such an impolite name for a wife who is left with all responsibilities around the house. When you move from washing dishes to making dinner and putting your spouse’s dirty socks in the washing machine, of course, you are not attracted to your husband anymore. How could you be? You do not feel like his lover but like – yes, I see you’ve learnt – like a kura domowa. There isn’t anything more attractive for us women than a husband helping out with the dishes without being asked to.
Solutions:
- Delegate – it is hard and sadly, in some cultures, impossible, but delegating some tasks to your husband or kids, if you have them, might be helpful. As soon as your husband understands that the more he helps you out, the more attracted to him you are, he will most likely follow this dynamic. Remember to appreciate his efforts, even if the dishes are not washed perfectly or the dinner has too much salt. Do not discourage him! Remember when I was younger, I was trying to help my mum cut the pepper for the salad. Apparently, the pieces were too big, and then too small. Was I ever willing to cut the pepper for her? No. Believe me, the pepper rule applies to the majority of men! Check homemaking tips here to learn how to organize and delegate your household work.
- Organize – what if instead of doing everything in one day, you would come up with a perfect, balanced plan? Maybe cook for two days? Or clean deeply every Wednesday only (I do this! Believe me, I hated associating the most fun day in the week – Saturday – with a broom and a cleaning spray). I know it seems not enough to do less every day, but I want you to start feeling like the queen of your palace, not the cleaning lady!
5. General lack of mood
You love your husband, but it seems like nothing will change this ‘meh’ feeling that you have every time you think of intimacy. There are some proven ways to change it. This state can have many various reasons – believe me or not, it can be as simple as deficiencies in your diet!
Solutions:
- change a scenery – if the only place you did it is the bedroom… then well, time for some variety! I am not telling you to go out and do it at night in the middle of the forest (but if that’s what you like, no judging! Accompanied with hooing owls and cracking branches… well, let’s say, for some, this can be fun). But seriously, sometimes it is enough to change the room. Or the furniture. Think about your house as a territory you need to mark with intimate moments with your husband. Ok, that sounded pretty bad, but you get the idea! I promise, one day I’ll learn the art of creating artistic metaphors!
- set some challenges – if your bedroom was boring for a while, try something new to make it exciting again – maybe a jar with challenges for every night would be a good idea? Think of your romantic life as an adventure — there’s always something new to try. Have fun with it!
6. Not attracted to your husband because of changed priorities
Once you grow as a wife and a woman, your focus might shift, and one day you just realize that you are not attracted to your husband anymore. Kids, a dog, a cat, housekeeping, social life, business, personal growth… any of these become more important than they were, and as a result, you might not even think about intimacy. You do not have the space in your head. This is totally normal, and there is nothing wrong with prioritizing different aspects of your marriage or life in general. But if intimacy falls way behind, then problems can start.
Solutions:
- Prioritize back – making love is a glue for the marriage, so putting it once more as one of your priorities is smart. Put it into your calendar if it does not come naturally. It should be equally important for you and your spouse, so that you show respect for your needs.
- Find the balance – of course, if your husband is fine with doing it once a month, then okay. But what if he needs it every day? Well, you can either stubbornly do it every 3rd of the month, not really joyfully agreeing to daily intimacy, or find the bridge between those two and let’s say do it every second day. It is important to consider both sides of the preferences and remember that making love is not only about taking but also giving.
7. Emotional neglect
Your husband does not support you, you do not spend quality time together, and you feel lonely. You are married, but you feel like you are single. Emotional neglect can cause you to lose attraction towards your husband. He might be way more attractive than *your celebrity choice*, but it is just not enough since he doesn’t put much effort.
Solutions:
- open communication – being vulnerable and expressing that your emotional needs are not met can be tough, I feel you. But I do believe your husband loves you, and maybe he is simply not aware that he is hurting you. Or, more commonly, he became cold because you became cold too. Talk about a crazy circle, huh? Try talking clearly, without unnecessary accusations or assumptions.
- more intimacy – uhm, what? He is not showing me love, and you want me to invest in physical closeness? Yes, darling, yes! No, do not roll your eyes. You probably think that your intimate life will improve and your attraction towards your husband will come back once he becomes more tender in every other sphere of life. But what if it is exactly the opposite? Investing in a deeper physical connection can bring you huge changes in every other sphere of your marriage. Trust me, I’m a wife too 😉
8. Somebody else… uh-oh
Oh, there is this charming Roberto in the office! Or pilates instructor Alejandro… Or – these are the worst – pizza delivery guy Miquel. If your attraction compass is set for somebody else, then well, your poor husband can spread gold petals on the bed and use Channel Blue cologne, and yet you will not react to this. I am not judging you – these things happen, of course, once in a while, we will see an attractive man. But we should not follow these temptations for the sake of our marriage. So I strongly recommend that you:
Solutions:
- Cut Roberto, Alejandro, and especially Miquel off – this might seem extreme, and sometimes it is not even possible. I mean, cutting off Miquels always is. Start ordering pizza from a different place. So stop ordering pizza from Miquel, change pilates instructor, and if you have to work with Roberto, at least do not go on lunch with him. Be fair towards your husband.
- I’m sorry, there isn’t any alternative. Solution number one is the only available here!
No matter which reason(s) apply to your issue, do not feel you are alone in this. This is completely normal, but luckily, you can be attracted to your husband again. So, roll up your sleeves and work on intimacy in your marriage.
Which solution will you try first?
Comment One